A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
You Might Also Like
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone