Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

Wife: I think the washer went out

Me: What time will it be back?

Wife: Please get my suitcase

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.