Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?

Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.

You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test

Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?

Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”

Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.

Jill: You got it, boss.

Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.

I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.

Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.