a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
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[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.