a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
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Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Finally, an instrument I can play!
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.