A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
