A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
7 year old: Cruella DeVille is a bad person
Me: judging by your dusty ass coat I can see why you would think that
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
