Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.

caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’

Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.

That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.

My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.

Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”

Me – *fast forwards to the end*

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive

Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time

Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days

Hubs: What?! Why?

Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”

-Game of Thrones

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.