A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
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One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.