Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?

Proctologist: no

all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.

It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..

INTERLOCKED FINGERS?

send bail money!

why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe

Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle

Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

You an Obituary liar.

That means you DEAD@$$ lying

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

My doctor says I only have one diabete.

I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.