Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.

My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.

I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

drive thru: can I take your order?

me: no I want it

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

Rastafarian guy in the sauna this morning was telling me I should be making my own honey. “Anyone can buy a bee”, he said. I nodded, taking it to heart. There was a 10 second pause, after which a Polish bodybuilder in the corner interjected: “you need more bee”

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

⛄️

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.