A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
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Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.