A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
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Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
He has no idea 🤡
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
