A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
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Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
i dont have time for this
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
My work here is done
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.