a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
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6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.