A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
You Might Also Like
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.