Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa

I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil

My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”

[guy who’s about to invent politics]

*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy

*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”

My mouth: safe splot

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

Jail

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found

You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.