A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
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Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Seals are just dog mermaids.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture