A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
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I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.