A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
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Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*