A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
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“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though