A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
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*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
I’ve been saving these cleavage crumbs just for you babe.
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I’m not sorry.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair