Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me

2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.

2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

A man of commitment.

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”

clean window: [exists]

toddlers: what’s that taste like

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

🥴

It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.

Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.

a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green

Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?

A: A cat. Cats love fish.

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?

To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.