A bold strategy
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I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
do what now??
Love is always patient and kind.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I’m giving up for Lent.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail