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23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever