A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
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My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
FINE, I WON’T.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I am HOWLING at this
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.