A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
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I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.
Never deleting this app.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”