A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
a lot to unpack here
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
