Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

Me: You ate radishes.

Friend: How can you tell?

Me: You’re burping them.

F: They were really good radishes.

Me: Not from where I’m standing.

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.

microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks

“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”

Mission: Impossible

Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.

*Geography Bee*

Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”

Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

Your secret is safeish with me

Where is your GOD now????

Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.