A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
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[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?