A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
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[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.
Rookie move.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.