A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
You Might Also Like
I had to Stop for this
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I Can’t Tonight…
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
A great first step 😂
