A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
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I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Revenge served cold
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
taking melatonin is not enough I need blunt force trauma to the head
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”