A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
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[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
normalize having existential bread
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what