Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

Kid: We never have anything good to eat!

Me: Go shake your car seat out.

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”

5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”

Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”

5-year-old: “……yeah!”

Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”

😒🤦‍♂️😒🤦‍♂️

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans