Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

[Nightcap]

Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.

Her: It’s….a….nice.

Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.