Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’

-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

I will never stop laughing at this

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

‎”Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour

[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men

Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

Me: We need some ham.

Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.

Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.

MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?