Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

HER: hey, do u come here often?

ME: all the time

HER: do u know if the bartender is single?

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…

Every other person alive: Wut?

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.

Ad: Buy 4, get one free.

Me: I’ll take 10 then.

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.