my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
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Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
happy friday
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
My doctor says I only have one diabete.