a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
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I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
is nasa ok
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.