Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break

Teacher: Name the continents

Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…

T: Go on

Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?

T: *sigh*

Me: South Arctica?

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone

I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

Why don’t you sing about it?

– Walt Disney as a therapist

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.

[speed dating]

date: what’s your biggest turn on?

me: wind turbines

date: ah i’m not a big fan

me: next

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]

I’m protesting the climate.

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.