Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark

2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

[sexting]

HER: I want u so bad

ME: badly

HER: what?

ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb

HER: you don’t sext very good

ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

[texting friend]

me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad

friend: oh man

me: now she’s texting my mom

friend: OH MAN

My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”

Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

[daughter going on a date]

ME: I want her back at 9

DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22

ME: you were cuter at 9

Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini

it is time once again

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”

My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.

Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.