Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.

The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.

can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant

how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby

He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week

[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.