A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
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Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.