Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.

I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety

(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations

My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.

I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.

just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it

[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box

Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.

My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling