Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.

MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.

Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!

[Creation]

God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”

*cell divides*

God:”What the-”

*cells divide again*

God:”Oh shi-“

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people

“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?

That de-escalated quickly

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

Pro: he does community service

Con: it’s court-mandated

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.

Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

I can’t stop laughing at this