Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

😼🖥️

Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

Him You’re the reason I’m up at night

Me: Awww

Him: Please stop calling me at 2am

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

The human body is 70% water and 30% land