@causticbob

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

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@CantWaitToNap

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

@IdiomsRUs

Yes, you’re drawing your eyebrows too high.

Don’t look so surprised.

@causticbob

I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.

@EndhooS

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

@daemonic3

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

@neiltyson

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.