A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
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*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Yes, you’re drawing your eyebrows too high.
Don’t look so surprised.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
You’re like the menstrual cramp and bloating of people.