A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
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Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
My exorcist thinks we should see other demons
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
Looking at a set of 4 placemats on sale for $60.00 from a popular cooking supplies store, “oh you got jokes”
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
who wore it better?
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!