A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
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Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒