A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
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thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Human are so complicated
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
