A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
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What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
new wife guy just dropped
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
