A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
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My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Golf would be better with landmines.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again