A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
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Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
The French cow says MEUX…
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
When can I start eating bats again.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?