A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
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there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Knock Knock
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.