A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
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COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Not today, today.
Not today.
shakira sharkira
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
finally found a reasonable question
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses