A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
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i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
doing some research
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight