A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
You Might Also Like
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not