Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?

Me: For cups.

6: But you can’t drink and drive.

Netflix and Will…

…you stop trying to touch me?

Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*

My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3

‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

doctor: any allergies?

me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”

everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck