Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am

*blunted, plastic butter knife

A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money

The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

our love story in four pictures

Me: Sex?

Wife: Sure.

Me: Really? Just like that?

Wife: Yep.

Me: …never mind.

I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.

How funny!

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday