Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.

Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.

Friend: That’s good to know.

Me: It’s actually much worse than that.

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?

-a memoir

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…

My wife is available.

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations

Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.

She just wanted a better look at her surroundings

The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.