A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
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boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally