Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

SHE has the mouth of a sailor…

…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.

The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.