A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
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Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2026 will be my year!!!
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
sistine chapel
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?