A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
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I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
dads on road-trips be like
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?