A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
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DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
welcome back
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.