My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
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To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
watergate? u mean a dam??
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
From my Mom
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Who did it better?
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”