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@KyleMcDowell86

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

@daemonic3

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

@GoldenSpirals

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

@julezmac

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

@wildethingy

There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.

@mommajessiec

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.

@archerenemy

Asking a redhead if you can see her pumpkin patch will get you slapped…

It’s not important how I know that…