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[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread


Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.


It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.


Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.


There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.


Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.


Asking a redhead if you can see her pumpkin patch will get you slapped…

It’s not important how I know that…