A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
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You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Meow
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return