Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.