Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.

“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

some things should go without saying

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.

Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.

Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!

Me:

Dog:

Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?

Dog: Not really, no.

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.