A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
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5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
couldn’t resist
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.