A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
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I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are